Friday, November 21, 2008

Adventures in E-Dating: Part 1

I went out on my first date with a guy I met on Match.

I’d seen his profile and he looked attractive and sounded entertaining so I sent him a *Wink* which is the Match way of letting someone know you’re interested without having to say anything.

Given how quickly he responded, I could reasonably assume that he liked my profile as well. He mentioned how much he liked my glasses (that librarian thing again, Garth?) and wanted to set up a date for bloody marys that same weekend.

This was awfully quick for me and I told him (truthfully) that I was helping a friend move. He then came back with Monday, and when I shot that down: Wednesday. And after he hounded me a bit, I finally agreed to meet him in person on Thursday, assuming that he’s the sort who just likes to do stuff face-to-face.

My inner alarm bells did not go off when he suggested a place near his home, though I was a bit miffed that he didn’t even try to suggest someplace in the middle. But the alarms did begin ringing when, as we were confirming the time and place, he wrote that if we “clicked” we could go back to his place after.

What?

I thought I might be over-reacting to this, but my friends (both imaginary and real) told me to be careful and a couple even suggested cancelling.

I didn’t cancel. Instead I emailed him back, very firmly telling him that if was looking for a quick hook-up I was NOT the girl for him.

We met.

Boy was he cute! Several years older than me with classic but understated good looks. Thick dark hair with a little grey in it (sexy!) and incredibly blue eyes.

But he was fucking nuts.

He spent the vast majority of our date talking about what a psychotic bitch his ex-girlfriend is.

I’m not kidding.

He complained up and down about how poorly she’d treated him. So, at one point I just had to ask what the appeal this heinous hell-beast had had for him.

EEE: I gotta know, this chick sounds like a total pill. I mean, she treated you like crap. WHY did you stay with her so long?
Guy: Well, she was HOT!

Yup. He even tried to give me her Match username so that I could look her up to see just how hot she was.

Surprisingly, I actually had a good time. I was vastly entertained by the whole situation, the conversation flowed well, and I really liked the little joint we were at: a cool little neighborhood wine bar called Broadway Cellars. Good atmosphere, cute bartender, lovely Zinfandel…

So, at the end of the date, he paid the bill (my rule is that I’m always prepared to pay my share but I will graciously accept if the guy insists) and I thanked him.

But we didn’t leave.

He made no move to put on his coat.

Finally I couldn’t just sit there any longer and I had to ask,

EEE: Um…. Are we waiting for something?
Guy: (Pointing to the TV behind the bar) First Down

I can’t make this shit up.

So, I waited patiently through the next play and when the orange and black team did not make it past the Yellow Line, I stood up and put on my coat.

EEE: Well, I’m going to go to the El.

To his credit, he put on his coat and walked out with me. But we’d only gone about ten feet when he walked away towards a car parked at the curb.

Guy: (from the other side of his car) Well it was nice meeting you!
EEE: You too! Thanks for the drinks.

And he got in his car and drove off. Now, I’m all for equality and independence and clearly we weren’t going to exchange bodily fluids any time this century, but still!!! He could at LEAST have offered to walk me to the El. The neighborhood wasn’t totally sketchy, but….

Hahaha!

Stay tuned for the next installment of Adventures in E-Dating!

Have a great weekend, all!!!!

-E

12 comments:

Ed said...

He broke several dating rules.

1) Never appear desperate, now matter how adorable the woman may be. There is a fine line between "infatuation" and "stalker" and during the "getting to know you phase" such actions can send bad signals. Experience has taught me that someone worthwhile is also worth waiting for.

2) Always walk her to the front door, her car or the El. A gentleman always sees that she's safe. He is discreet and she knows he is going only so far to see that she is on her way without incident.

3) This is the kicker, never, on pain of death, schedule a date when a football game is on. He went too far doing this during a first date and for doing so should be exiled to the Phantom Zone. There are two possibilities for his decision, perhaps he wanted to look more masculine by being a football fan but if so, why did he not ask to watch the game and talk during it? No one ever leaves on first down, it's in the Book Of Guy.

He blew this one big time, we can only hope that he may one day learn from his mistake.

EEE said...

Hahaha! I like Rule #3.

I'd say that Rule #4 was more egregious, though: NEVER EVER EVER TRASH-TALK YOUR EX ON A FIRST DATE!!! Very unattractive.

Honestly, I think we both knew before we even got to the bar that we were going nowhere!

Ed said...

Rule #4 is huge. I once got a nasty cell phone call from my Ex literally as I was meeting someone from Match.com. The call spoiled the evening and the date even though I tried to downplay it. Ex's are best kept in dark places where even rats fear to tread...

One more rule:
Always make sure you maintain eye contact. Checking out the goods prematurely can be a killer.

Anonymous said...

EEE -- Can you say "LOSER!"

Thank God you didn't pay for the drinks. He owed you BIG TIME for listening to his crap.

Does he think he's God's gift to woman?

Wow. Be careful. Don't go out with him again. Ha! As if you need me to tell you that.

Safer to go out with me for drinks. Course, it can't develop into THAT kind of relationship.

:) Terri

Tammy said...

The minute he didn't engage in any dialogue about where to meet for a first date (even to say, hey I know this is nearer to me than you, but it's a great little place I think you'd like), it was already a huge red flag that he doesn't think about anyone but himself.

EEE, you deserve so much better. There are great guys out there.

Stina said...

Oh, EEE! FOr heaven's sake! If I had known all the red flags ahead of time, I would have TOTALLY told you to blow this loser off!!! Well, at least yuo go some free drinks and an easy topic to write about, right? This guy SO doesn't deserve you!!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry if this posts twice....

EEE – some of the most fun parts of e-dating was telling my roommates stories when I would come back – I made up nicknames for all the guys… Fido, The Jamaican, the Drug Lord…

My favorite was the Drug Lord – he was seriously hot and his profile seemed quirky and deep

First Date:
DL: So, I have to admit that I’m a year older than I said in my profile. I said I was 37, but I’m really 38. 38 just seemed so old…
Maruska (who was 26, was not so upset about the age (have dated older) as she was about the lying...): OK…. any other secrets? Do you have any kids?
DL: No, but I have been married. I put single instead of divorced because technically it’s true….
Maruska (beginning to be a little upset about the lying): Ok… so you said you live in Ukrainian Village?
DL: Actually I live in “name of town” (over an hour outside the city).
Maruska: okay, so why did you put UV down in your profile then?
DL: Well, I used to live there and the profile asked for your neighborhood… I still consider it my “hood”.
:::Now the reason it asks for the neighborhood is because it’s the CHICAGO Reader. If you don’t live in one of the neighborhoods, don’t put one down!:::
Maruska: Hmmm.. okay. So do you have a house, apt…?
DL: Actually, I live in a house with my mom and my older brother
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Maruska: So what did you do before you were a masseuse?
DL: Well, I was unemployed for a while…
Maruska: And before that….?
DL: Well, I lived in Detroit and I mostly grew and sold large quantities marijuana.
Maruska: :::stunned silence:::
DL: But I didn’t deal to, like, kids or anything! I sold to other distributors.

Hence, his nickname

The best thing about e-dating is finding really awesome people that you might otherwise never know. The second best is the kooks that make for great stories (as long as you are doing it in a safe place!)

Maruska :)

Anonymous said...

ps: i should point out that the first date was the ONLY date :P

Maruska

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious!

Redhead With Glasses said...

Wait. Did you say he's hot?

Um, still got his number?

;)

Redhead With Glasses said...

Oops, sorry E3. It's Angela. I gotta start remembering to mention that in the post.

Anonymous said...

EEE, you are extremely funny. I think you have a book here...adventures in e dating or something. I am sure something like that has already been done, but yours would be better. And that's never stopped anyone before anyway.

Maybe the grumpy old man can put you in touch with some editor types?

Ciao! Bella