So B and I broke up tonight.
It wasn't any great shock for me. It had been building for a while. His schedule was becoming an issue for me, as was the fact that I felt he wasn't making enough effort to make time for me. I wasn't feeling like a priority in his life.
The situation was starting to make me feel bad about me and I can't do that. I won't do that. I've played the junior partner in relationships before and I'm not interested in going there again.
It finally came to a head this weekend.
I went to see him - knowing that things had to change... or end.
It was so hard. And remarkably easy.
He knew why I was there. We'd both seen it coming. So, before I could drag out the little speech I'd prepared ("I really really like you - so much! - but this isn't working for me") he told me that he just wasn't feeling what he wanted to feel.
It wasn't what I wanted to hear - who wants to hear that the guy she likes doesn't like her back? but he was honest and kind about it. And it was obviously tearing him up. He was visibly upset at the thought of hurting me.
But you just can't force a feeling that just isn't there.
In the end, we hugged, we kissed, we wished each other good luck.
And then I left.
This isn't what I wanted. It isn't what he wanted. But it's what had to happen.
I'm sad. I'm very very sad.
But I'm not heartbroken. I've had my heart broken before and I know what's that feels like and this isn't heartbreak.
But I'm disappointed. And sad.
But I'll be OK.