Thursday, July 17, 2008

“You ooze sex”

“You ooze sex”

In the history of bad pickup lines, this one has got to top the list.

I mean… seriously.

How many women do you know who want to hear this from a complete stranger?

It was several years ago. My friend Padma and I were in a Tapas restaurant, waiting for our table in the bar, sitting – perched – at one of those high tables that can accommodate standing patrons or people sitting – perching – on high bar chairs. Now, I’m exactly the same height standing as I am sitting in one of those chairs, perhaps even a smidge shorter, but that’s irrelevant.

Padma and I had been there for maybe twenty minutes, and were sipping martinis when this guy walked up to us.

“You ooze sex,” he told me.

Padma almost choked on her drink. I just blinked at him. I had no idea how to react to such a declaration. I mean, yes, I knew I looked cute that night. I was wearing a short skirt and heels and a sweater that showed my girls to their best advantage. But still…

And this guy was OLD.

I mean, not like 80 or anything, but he was definitely on the far side of 55. I was 26 at the time. It would have been different if he’d been a hot, dashing silver fox. But he was all rumpled and oily and icky. He reminded me of my crazy Uncle Bob. Ew! Now, I’m not shallow, but come ON! Is there some sort of pathology common to pervy old men whose feet smell like mayo that they only know how to hit on women half their age? Are they gluttons for punishment or just delusional???

So what do you say when a creepy old man walks up to you and says, “You ooze sex.”???

I wanted to respond with, “Yeah? Well you ooze creep!” But, being the well-raised girl that I am, I forced a smile and said, “Um…. Thank you,” while giving Padma a swift kick.

Padma’s no dummy. She reached across the table to take my hand in both of hers, rubbing her thumbs across my knuckles. Then she looked up at him and said, “You have no idea!” before carrying my hand to her lips.

This, of course, made the guy’s eyes brighten even more.

Thankfully, before he could offer to buy us a drink or worse: make yet another lascivious comment, our table was called.


Anonymous said...


Next time, jump off your chair and shout "Oh my God!" while turning to look at the back of your skirt.


Anonymous said...

OMG -- I love that. I have to remember this. Okay, at this point it won't be me "oozing sex" but perhaps one of my friends. A few years ago I always either got the creepy old men or the guys who were from bufu hitting on me. Now, I really don't go into bars so I'm not in those situations. I have no problem going into bars it's just not on my radar anymore. I look forward to being home b/c I feel I'm rarely home.


Garth said...

For a response, how about "No, you are confused with the scent of your aspercreme."

(scratching that line from my memory) LOL